Alleppo, Cyber-attacks, a Cabinet action-packed with under-educated billionaires, mass-shootings, bigotry, an election we ALL lost (except maybe Putin), hate-crimes, a tiny blonde lady loudly denouncing reality and comparing BLM to the KKK, Prince, a McCarthy-style crusade against those fighting climate change....This year has been truly dizzying in it's unfocused ability to take a cow-patty sized dump on pretty much all sections of the newspaper.
So, I needed some way to regain a feeling of control. And because traditionally, I have zero control -- especially when faced with a jar of peanut butter and a spoon, backlit by the refrigerator light -- I decided to take charge in an area that might simultaneously give me a tiny bit of inner-peace and also ease the stress felt by the buttons on all my pants.
And so, we Whole30'ed. We = me and my amazingly supportive husband; a man who somehow didn't decide at some point to pack up and leave me for an Imo's pizza and a whiskey (although I'm sure it crossed his mind).
I'll admit, I cheated. But not enough times to require more than one hand to count. And in the end, I lost almost 11 pounds and my pants have remained in full possession of all necessary buttons. So I say it's a win.
Here were a few things I learned since my last post:
1. One can clean up after baking a birthday cake using a faucet and sponge rather than one's own tongue.
2. I learned I could say 'no' to a chocolate chip cookie or slice of pizza and they wouldn't be personally offended and start talking smack about me behind my back.
3. I found that I am capable of cooking, but remain more than capable of single-handedly destroying what should have been a perfectly good meal.
4. Almond butter can actually save a person's sanity.
5. If you tell a server that you're 'trying to be sugar-free, dairy-free, and gluten-free' there is no way to NOT feel like a douchebag and they're most certainly going to hack a loogie in your meal.
6. It's possible to be convinced that you sub-consciously took a bite of bread...and that experience will chill you into the bone and haunt you until the day you die.
7. Unless you're a child, about to have a child, or an alcoholic, not drinking is some serious BS.
From here, we move on to a vague promise to remain in-control of what we can. I can't say I won't find myself someday standing over my kitchen sink in the dark, mindlessly shoveling peanut butter in my pie-hole. But at least I know I'm not powerless in all areas. I can't convince our (likely-to-be) new Secretary of the EPA that maintaining an inhabitable planet might actually be somewhat important. And I can't convince your dad's cousin that thetruthfactoryforamerica.com is a bullshit news source and no, the Obama Administration didn't remove the word 'God' from the dictionary and declare war in Christmas. I can't stop a toddler from pulling the trigger on a loaded weapon (not even the kid of a 'gun-sense' advocate) or our POTUS-elect from responding to an insulting Tweet with a similar disregard to potentially dangerous consequences. However, I can say 'no thanks' to a Krispy Creme donut, and at least that's SOMETHING.