It has been recently suggested that my blog has done more in terms of population control than any of the best 'spay and neuter your pets' campaigns out there.
Maybe if my day job doesn't pan out, I could do some freelance work for the Chinese government?
Whoops. This was certainly not my intention.
Because I don't have the time, energy, or - frankly - the stomach to go back and re-read past entries with my newly acquired critical eye (there I go again...complaining to the point that you just went sterile) I will just take it on face value that my critics are correct in their assessment: I have sufficiently ruined motherhood for us all.
It's almost as compelling a reason to to take a blogger's hiatus as the recent release of House of Cards, Season Two.
And so, I will take a moment away from my bitching and moaning (and binge watching of Netflix original series) to highlight some of my favorite parts of motherhood. You know, in a last ditch effort to salvage any last shred of integrity.
TOP FIVE REASONS MOTHERHOOD DOESN'T SUCK
5. It's an immediate Get Out of Jail Free card. People's expectations for things like punctuality and hygiene and waistlines plummet when you have small children. Suddenly, the fact that you made it to work at all or had time to blow dry our hair and apply mascara or the fact you can button a pair of size 12 pants becomes a heroic feat. And you're like, okay with that.
4. Along similar lines, you don't have to put on a big show of going out and impressing people anymore. Remember college when you spent over an hour primping and selecting the perfect outfit so that you could navigate a boozed-up cloud of high-heeled insecurities and judgement and flirt with borderline alcoholics until 4am? And people think waking up at 11pm and 2am to feed a hungry baby is exhausting? Please.
3. Watching your babies grow is both fascinating and inspiring business. It is nothing short of a miracle that what started as a single tiny clump of dividing cells rapidly becomes a giggling, talking, curious little person who somehow robbed you blind of your heart when you weren't looking. They surprise you every single day with some new skill or bit of knowledge. The whole thing happens f*cking fast too, so don't you DARE blink.
2. You learn things about yourself you didn't know before. Like, maybe you have a tendency to complain a lot and frighten people into buying condoms. Or maybe (keep it positive woman!!) you have more patience than you thought. You have the strength to balance a baby on one hip and a toddler on the other. You have the power to make tears disappear with a single kiss and a giant squeeze. You have the ability to create a nonsense song from nowhere and coax uncontrollable squeals of delight in response. You are a superhero, a court jester, and the queen of all you survey. It's both thrilling and terrifying.
1. Your capacity to love will grow exponentially and the world will look a little different from what it did before. I remember leaving the hospital after delivering my first baby and thinking suddenly how beautiful things seemed to have become. Spring had blossomed practically overnight, and the sun made the flowered trees glow in such a way that it felt almost like magic. Suddenly, I couldn't wait to introduce my little man to this fascinating place I had somehow taken for granted until that very moment. Too many late nights had been wasted in smokey bars and uncomfortable shoes. Time to start LIVING.
There. For any of you non-moms who are still reading this blog (for whatever godforsaken reason), hopefully this post breathed new life into your ovaries.
And for the rest of you: Might I recommend House of Cards? That show is the shit.