Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Christmas Jammies for the Rest of Us

Unless you've been hiding under a social -- or regular -- media rock (possibly in an effort to ride out the holiday season without blowing a gasket or losing what's left of your mind), you probably saw the 'Christmas Jammies' video that features a (now former) news anchor from Raleigh and his family.  You know the one.  It's a video with impressive production quality that shows a family straight from the pages of J. Crew, clad in the season's snuggliest jammies, dancing like lunatics, and rapping about their enormously impressive lives.

Daughter Lola can dance, sing, play the piano, count to 100 (wait, that's not the impressive part) ... in Chinese, and has already done what most of us will never do; competed in a triathlon.  

Junior (named 'Penn' after Daddy) is the youngest and has apparently not yet mastered Chinese.  Still, he's damn cute in his shaggy mini-hipster haircut and Mom and Dad have him signed up for 'hip hop classes,' so I'm confident he'll be pulling his tiny weight by next Christmas. 

Mom, it seems, is an actress who landed a part in Ironman 3 this year and because that's not impressive enough, also completed an Ironman (despite taking a punch to the face in the first leg by someone who seems to have beat me to it...) 

Dad shows up the whole family while good-naturedly poking fun at his recent vasectomy, demonstrating his ability to do the worm, and giving an admittedly shameless plug to his new marketing company.  

I watched the video this morning when it had a mere 800,000 hits.  Just now, I observed that it is rapidly closing in on 5 million.  By the time you read this post, I am confident that number will have doubled. It's the sort of thing you find to be totally amazing but also want to spit on.  As in: hock a major loogy and watch that picture-perfect family beg for mercy as they scramble into their fancy hybrid in a desperate attempt to avoid drowning in your sticky, smelly mucus....inhale.

Why so hostile, Ready or Not?  

Where's your Christmas spirit, Lady Crabby Pants?

Well, let me just say it wasn't all shiny red Prius's and matching striped PJs around the Ready or Not house today.  

So, here is my response to that marvelous viral gem that has everyone grinning and clicking and sharing (and plagued by Will Smith tunes for the remainder of the day).  

***Because I don't have access to professional-grade video equipment, or a desire to shame the Caucasian race with my white-lady rapping routine, our Christmas letter will have to embrace the classic medium of the written word.  Enjoy.***

Merry Christmas from the Ready or Not Crew!

This year has brought loads of surprises; starting last Christmas when Mom discovered that nursing is a highly unreliable form of birth control. 

Despite her and her OB's best efforts, Mom's incompetent mommy-bits failed yet again at carrying a baby to the preferred 37-40 weeks gestation.  

Ready or Not Baby joined us in June, at 31 weeks and 2 days, weighing in at 4lbs 2oz and with a serious hankering to play with the NICU nurses for 25 days.  

He loved those nurses so much, he contracted viral meningitis 10 days after discharging home and ended up back in the ICU, this time with a ventilator and a borderline hysterical mother.  

Thankfully, the little man is home now and showing no lasting effects from his early hospital forays, minus a crooked man-part which will be corrected in the next few months (don't worry kiddo, Mommy will delete this post before any of your classmates learn to read).

He doesn't much care for sleeping, but can roll like a champ and has finally developed a gummy grin and giggle that almost makes up for the extreme sleep deprivation he inflicts...almost. 

Ready or Not Toddler has had quite a year himself.  Not to be outdone by his little brother, he has had his fair share of hospital visits.  Respiratory bugs plagued him last winter and caused delay after delay of his (second) inguinal hernia repair.  

He finally kicked the bugs, had the surgery, and now his scrotum looks totally normal again (Yes! Mommy will delete!  Nobody reads this anyways...)

Ready or Not Toddler also learned to walk at the ripe old age of 17 months (15 corrected) and now knows how to say most food-related words.  He's come a long way from his original 3lbs 10oz and eats enough bananas to warrant a real concern over a possible potassium overdose.  At 18 months, a developmental psychologist told us that cognitively, he was comfortably 'average' and we could not be more proud. 

He loves his Daddy and tolerates his mother.  Maybe someday he will even learn to say 'mama'.

In the last 6 months, Ready or Not Mom has managed to lose 12 of the 30 lbs she gained with #2 and hopes to someday quit turning off her alarm and get her fat ass to the gym on a regular basis again.  Meanwhile, she just has anxiety dreams about it.  She still runs when her friends pester her into it. 

She did medal (last place!) in a triathlon today when she managed to fail miserably in three separate events: Mothering, Career, and Housewife.  

She's managed to unintentionally piss off 80 percent of her immediate family since July and looks a lot like an over-fed homeless person since she hasn't had a proper haircut in over a year and her clothes don't fit right.

Dad does everything around the house from cooking all the meals to taking out the garbage to playing Mr Fixit every other day.  He does all this without accepting even an ounce of gratitude.  He is slowly coming to terms with the fact that what he thought was a 'tall forehead' is actually male pattern baldness

Here's hoping that this holiday season finds you and your family happy and healthy.  

Much love,
The Ready or Nots

***



The Holderness family might be rocking their Christmas Jammies all over the Internet, but today I managed to keep both kids alive and take a shower.

Victory.








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