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Saturday, September 7, 2013

Babies are Boring

Babies are boring...

...Just ask my toddler.  The other day, he tried to engage with the little guy by waving a plastic wrench in his face, but Mean Mommy put a stop to that almost immediately.  

(That lady is such a flipping buzz kill...geez)

Poor little toddler monkey gave me a look that said, 'well, what the hell good is this thing if it won't play with me?'  He gave me the same look when I shooed him and his Cheezit away from my breast while nursing the little guy (but I thought he was *hungry*?? What is with you people??)

He's right really.  All this kid does is eat, sleep, cry, poop and repeat.  

So boring.

Sometimes he spits up.  Occasionally, he flashes me a smile that really just means he has gas.  He doesn't follow current events.  He's never traveled anywhere interesting.  His sense of humor is just terrible (see above, re: gas smile). If I were looking to make new friends, this guy brings a big, fat nothing to the table.  

And I haven't even started in on how needy he is.  I mean, talk about co-dependent.  This dude literally can't even hold his head up without relying on someone else.  

I generally can't stand people like that.  So exhausting, am I right?  Like, grow a backbone already.  Or at least start calcifying some of those bones.  

Plus, he's super short-tempered.  You should see the fits he throws when he's hungry.  He howls and thrashes around like it's the worst thing that's ever happened to him. 

Need I even mention his complete lack of bowl and bladder control?  

So why on earth would we put up with all this garbage?  If I had a houseguest who woke me up screaming and demanding a cup of milk every two hours, that yahoo would be packing his tiny suitcases faster than you could say 'get lost psycho milk dude, you're freaking me out.'

Well, for the sake of my elder son, I have compiled a short list of reasons to justify why we let this small, demanding and co-dependent person continue to occupy our space and essentially run our lives.  

1.  He's so damn adorable.  God makes babies cute for survival reasons, I'm just sure of it.  If they looked like *anything* else, none of them would ever make it to adulthood.  If I wasn't so obsessed with his tiny feet, big  beautiful eyes, and goofy little T-Rex arms (that won't even reach the top of his giant, ill-proportioned head),  I would be like, 'go to the store and get your own damn milk'

2.  He's incredible and frankly he makes me think I'm a little incredible for getting him here and  helping him grow.  It basically blows my mind that he even exists.  Like all of us, he started from practically *nothing,* just a couple of microscopic specks colliding together.  He did the usual magic development tricks in utero (which are nothing short of mind-boggling BTW) to go from a speck to a complex series of organs working together to make a whole and healthy person.  Then he fought his way through less than ideal circumstances after his early arrival to come home with us, basically unscathed.  Life really is miraculous.  It makes me think that there must be a God, or at least something similar.  

3.  He makes me see the world differently.  It's a little like having visitors from out of town who have never visited before.  Suddenly, the mundane little things you see every day carry new meaning as you see them through the perspective of these other people (who are hopefully not demanding nighttime milk every other hour).  It makes me want to make both my surroundings and myself better; and not just to impress the little guy, but to make everything in his life that much more beautiful and meaningful.  

Yes, babies might seem a little boring, especially if you're a toddler.  But even my toddler's face lights up like a Christmas tree whenever he spots his little brother.  I hope he realizes how special that little man is and never loses sight of how precious and valuable and significant their relationship will be as they grow together.  

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