Old News: Past Blog Posts

Monday, August 19, 2013

Two Under Two: Part One

In the first month home with two under two, you start to wonder: 

...what crime you committed to justify the mind-numbing house arrest and how those tiny people became wardens with no obvious prior experience (what sort of resume does a one-year-old really have anyways?) 

...if they've already found a way to effectively communicate with each other because they're clearly plotting against you...quite successfully, I might add. 

...how does one best clean poop out of carpet?

...who will be more permanently damaged by having his cries ignored in favor of catering to the other's needs and is now too early to start saving for therapy?

...last time, what did you *do* with all those empty hours between feeding and diaper changing when there wasn't a toddler to chase?  Weren't you bored?  

...would anyone have noticed if you didn't wash the baby spit up out of your toddler's hair?  And could the whole thing have been avoided by *not* burping the baby as the toddler was attempting to crawl Spider-Man style up your legs? 

...how does one best clean poop off floorboards?  

...what would it be like to unload the dishwasher, scrub bottles and pumping accessories, fold laundry, workout, shower, water the flowers, feed the dogs, eat three Saltine crackers over the sink, and clean up all that poop up without anxiously keeping one eye on the baby monitor for warden #1 to wake from his nap and the other eye on the pack n play for warden #2 to demand a meal.  

...will the toddler accidentally give the infant a traumatic brain injury if you put him in the baby swing?  And how harshly would people judge you for putting the swing on the dining room table?

...how does one best clean poop out of hair?  What about dog hair?
Remember when you used to love me?

...who invented baby- wearing slings and if you knew, could you even thank them enough? 

Hands-free parenting. Hallelujah.

...who Fisher-Price hired to do the voices of all their singing and talking toys and would you actually play out your fantasy of assassinating her if you happened to pass her on the street?
Who's laughing now, monkey?

...which is the lesser evil: a non-ambulatory Olympic-paced crawler or a tiny bipedal person who couldn't pass a field sobriety test and lacks all reasoning abilities?  

...how does one best clean poop off a wedding ring?  

...if you let the toddler get too close, would he finally be successful in happily gouging out the infant's eyes? And who goes to jail for that?

Baby Jail.  It's a thing.

...will you ever again fit in pants with buttons and did you fully appreciate the six weeks last fall when you did?  

...how long is it medically safe to hold in urine while you: finish nursing, burp the baby, extract the toddler from your pants leg, clean spit up out of the toddler's hair, and run around the house looking for the baby's pacifier?  Or is it better to just get yourself a change of pants?

... if anyone at the store notices that two out of three of you are wearing the same clothes you slept in and the only reason the third got a wardrobe change was because he or she pooped on the previous outfit (FYI: anyone is a plausible candidate here).  And you're only out in the first place because you ran out of toilet paper, diapers, or finally decided to fill that birth control script from 16 months ago.

...why your husband doesn't greet you each evening with a parade or at least a round of applause upon his return to a house with clean dishes, clean clothes, living and poop-free children, dogs, and plants, and a house not covered in feces?

...how empty and meaningless would your life feel without the beautiful chaos that comes from mothering these two precious babies?

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