Old News: Past Blog Posts

Friday, June 28, 2013

A Guest Blogger: My Crude and Evil Twin

Fair warning: excessive and arguably unnecessary use of (astericked-abbreviated) profanity just ahead.  Do not read if you are under 18, easily offended, my mother, or future versions of my children.

Let's do this...

F*ck the following:

F*ck my broken, lazy ass boobs with their pathetic supply and terrible let-down ability.

F*ck leaving a crying 4 lb baby in the care of perfect strangers.

F*ck this worthless 1200 dollar breast pump.

F*ck spending 4 hours a day pumping.

Duck you, autocorrect.

F*ck my shattered goddamn iPhone screen.

F*ck my incompetent mother f-ing reproductive system that evicts babies after 31 weeks.

F*ck sleeping for one or two 60-90 minute intervals each night

F*ck being told to 'get some rest!!' -- but don't you dare go more than 3 hours between pumps.

F*ck lactation consultants and their weird goddamn agenda to save the world through breast-fed babies. 

F*ck you hormones and uncontrollable sobbing and feeling like I have no shred of control.

F*ck my full, throbbing boobs and cramping uterus.

F*ck the Internet and it's ability to turn me instantly into a crazy person.

F*ck that stupid, smiling, lactating lady from the instructional video with her stupid 90s bangs and geyser-ass nipples.

F*ck procardia and magnesium and modified bed rest and hospital bed rest and everyone who implied or said explicitly that didn't do enough or did too much.

F*ck having to go back to work so I can afford to take maternity leave.

F*ck feeling so angry and frustrated that I can't seem to stop using the F-word.

F*ck my sore left deltoid from my Tdap vaccine.

F*ck that idiot nurse who tried to instruct me at discharge to continue taking procardia and progesterone when I got home.

F*ck being so de-conditioned that a flight of stairs or a 100 yard walk gets me winded.

F*ck drinking 30 gallons of water a day.

F*ck this blog post for making me feel better.

That is all.

* thank you for enduring that so patiently.  I totally understand if you are *over* my blog and never intend to read it again.  I plead pregnancy-hormones, if you're the sort of person who accepts excuses.  I am not and will probably personally boycott reading future posts of mine.  As for my amazingly patient husband, who has put up with quite enough of my crap already today, I apologize... Assuming you've read this far and haven't already packed a suitcase (socks are in the dryer).

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